Only In The Past
by Chelsea Cullen Whitlock
Summary: Bella comes home after the summer holidays as a new person. Literally. With Embry imprinting on her, Bella's life is more complicated then it really is.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: My new Embry and Bella Imprint story. It's not like the Twilight book or movie – but might have some Twilight background and scenes but no Edward or the Cullen.**

**Song: Breathe by Taylor Swift**

_**And we know it's never simple, never easy**_

_**Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh**_

_**I can't breathe**_

_**Without you, but I have to**_

_**Breathe**_

_**Without you, but I have to**_

_**Breathe**_

_**Without you, but I have to**_

**Declaimer: iown nothing.**

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><p>Chapter 1<p>

Losing Embry Call

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><p><em>Losing your crush of the century to the hall monitors is like the world ending – to me anyway.<em>

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><p>"Bella? Have you heard?" Seth's soft voice asked me as I stepped out of school.<p>

"Yeah." I whispered him. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes. I blinked fast so my baby brother couldn't see how hurt I was, inside and out. I quickly walked to my car and opened the door, shoving my bag inside. I sat on the driver's seat and turned the car on.

"Are you okay?" Seth asked me, standing next to my car.

I slowly nodded, "Yeah." I lied. Seth didn't believe me. He knew me so well.

Just like he knew me so well.

I closed my eyes as the thought unwillingly came into my head. He knew me so well, like he was my other half, and I was his.

"Bella, I think –"

"Just give me time Seth. I'll be at first beach." I told him as I drove away from school, tears freely running down my face.

~~~Only In The Past~~~

"_Hey Jake. Hey Quil" I said to him as I sat on table in the cafeteria._

_He nodded as a greeting, the same as Quil. That was new, normally Jacob and Quil would actually say hi and Jacob would call me Bells, and Quil would call me Hells Bells, not just nod at me._

"_What's up?" I asked them._

"_Nothing." Quil mumbled, finding the floor very interesting._

"_Really now?" I asked, irritated. "What's really going on?" I asked them again._

"_Just look." Jacob muttered, nodding to the opposite direction of the cafeteria._

_I followed his gaze and saw Paul Lahote and Jared Cameron on their table. But really shocked me was that Embry Call was sitting with them. What broke my heart was that he wasn't fighting or arguing with them, he was actually talking at them, laughing and smiling._

"_Embry?" I whispered to myself, in total confusion. But Paul heard. He nudged Embry and nodded to me. Embry looked from the corner of his eye at me, then turned back to Paul, saying something that made him laugh and made Jared shake his head._

_At that second, my heart broken into a million pieces. At that second my head started to spin with thoughts and broken dreams. At that second, my whole being began to fall. At that second, my whole love and desire for Embry vanished quickly as it came. At that second, all those promises he made to me broke. At that second, my life lost light. At that second, I had lost my sun._

_I looked back at Jacob and Quil, my heart full of hurt and betrayal. They were looking at the table, eyes glassed with tears. They too lost their best friend._

"_How?" I asked them quietly._

_They both shook their heads, not knowing the answer._

"_Just let it go Bella." Jacob muttered to me, eyes casted to Embry then to the table._

_Just let it go? Just let it go! What did he mean by letting it go? By letting Embry go?_

_I wanted to shout at him, to yell at him, to throw food at him or anything that could get Jacob back to his senses. I wanted him to understand that I couldn't lose Embry. I wanted him to go up to him and confront him, but … He couldn't and he wouldn't. He wouldn't because he knows we lost Embry to them … To Sam Uley – the so called cult leader, the drug dealer, the whatever. I don't know or care what Sam Uley and his minions are. All I know is that I lost my best friend and probably my crush to him and the two idiots sitting with him._

_I banged my hand to the table, furiously shaking my head at Jacob and Quil, but they just stayed silent, staring at nothing but the floor._

"_Ugh!" I shouted at them as everyone in the cafeteria stared at me. I flipped them off as I grabbed my bag. With one last glare towards Jacob and Quil, and one last longing look at Embry, I all but walked away from them, from what I had once._

~~~Only In The Past~~~

"Stupid hall monitors." I said to myself as I threw a rock to the sea. It didn't really jump as I wanted but it's good enough. It let all my anger out – kind of anyway. "Stupid Sam Uley. Him and his stupid cult and his stupid problems. Stupid Embry for following him like a lost puppy he really is. Stupid Jacob and Embry for not fighting their butts off for Embry. Stupid, crappy day." I threw more stones at the sea, saying more stupid this and that's.

"No wonder why all the rocks are missing, little miss fire 'ere been throwin' 'em far." A voice said behind me.

"If only she can throw 'em far enough." Another voice said.

"What do you want Jacob, Quil?" I asked them, irritated. Yeah, I didn't forget what you did, you suckers. I thought to them.

"We're 'ere to say sorry." Quil said, sitting next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. I shrugged them off, crossing my arms, while resting my chin on them.

"We really are sorry Bells." Jacob said to me, also sitting next to me.

I ignored them, throwing more stones. Jacob and Quil stayed quiet, letting me think, as well for themselves.

I started to hum a song on top of my head, while drawing on the sand. I cracked a smile as Quil sang the lyrics with his so amazing voice. I then started laughing when Jacob made a horrible beat.

"Nice beat Jake." I told him, sarcastically.

"Thanks Bells." He said, continuing his beat.

I soon threw a rock at him to stop him.

"Aw!" He yelped. "That hurt Bells." He pouted.

"Really?" I asked him sweetly. He nodded. "Then so will this!" I yelled out and attacked him. I laughed as we rolled around the sand. Jake started to tickle me and I kept begging for mercy.

"I wanna join!" Embry yelled out, tickling me as well.

"Guys!" I yelped at them, laughing until there were tears running down my eyes.

"Ah." Someone coughed.

I pushed Jake and Quil off me as I saw Sam Uley and his minions behind him. I casted my eyes down at the sand, not wanting to see Embry's beautiful face. I scowled myself. _Embry's not beautiful! He's the enemy now!_

"You need some water?" I muttered to Sam, half hoping he would hear and half not. Jake and Quil coughed to cover their laughter.

"Do you?" Sam retorted back.

I flicked my hair out of my eyes and narrowed my eyes to Sam. "No. I don't." I told him sweetly. What I wanted to say was _fuck you Uley _or _go to hell _– thatwould have worked well. But no. I just had a plastic smile on my face.

"Um …" Jake said, practically feeling the tense – you can even smelling it in the air.

"I've got homework." I told him, getting my bag.

"When do you do homework Isa?" A deep voice said. That deep voice was Embry Calls. I bit back my gasp at his sudden change of appearance and voice and the way my old nick name that he made still sounded amazing - rolling from his tongue to my ears. I didn't notice that or anything else at first but Embry's gotten fitter, hotter even. My eyes travelled to his body – finding out that he has a new six pack, ripped muscles and beautiful toned abs - to his face, but not clearly looking at his eyes. I didn't want to see my ex best friend's muddy brown eyes which held to much love for me once.

I cleared my throat, saying, "People change. You could see for yourself Call." I stood up, saying to Jake and Embry, "I've got my car, see ya in school tomorrow."

~~~Only In The Past~~~

"I'm okay mum, really, I am." I said to my mum as she hugged and kissed me. I guess news travel fast in a small town.

"Are you sure baby?" She rubbed my cheeks as if I was a baby.

"I'm fine –"

"But I heard –"

"She said she was fine Sue." Dad interrupted mum, giving her a pointed look. _I wonder what that's all about._

"But – Oh okay, if you say so Isabella."

"Mum!" I whined. "I told you to call me Bella."

"Now, now Isobel." Mum warned, jokingly.

"I'd rather have Isabella then Isobel." I muttered out.

"What did you say young lady?" Mum asked, spatula in hand, pointing to my face. To say that I was scared of mama bear was an understatement.

"Absolutely nothing mother." I told her with my innocent voice and face.

Seth sniggered beside me.

"That's good. Now make the table."

"But –"

"Now."

"Okay." I huffed out. Again Seth sniggered.

"Seth, your helping." Mum told him, turning the oven on.

"Sucker." I told him while he pointed his tongue at me. I did the same.

"Hello Clearwater's!" I heard Quil's loud voice echo through my house. He made his way through my kitchen and sat on the table chair. "Just in time for some grub." He said, rubbing his hands together.

"What the potatoes are you doing 'ere Quil?" I asked him.

He held up his finger, "One, delivery." Held up his other finger, "Two –" Quil gave me a smirk that really made me want to slap off. "You owe me and Jakey boy."

I crossed my arms, "For what?"

His smirk widened, "You left me and Jake with the enemy."

"Yeah, thanks for that." Jake said, coming into the kitchen with Leah slung over his shoulder. "Oh and your sister is the delivery by the way."

"What happened?" Mum asked, worried for her sleepy oldest daughter.

"She got drunk on first beach." Jake gave me a pointed look, "Should've known Leah was there anyway but she saw Uley she started thrashing around."

"It's always Uley, eh?" I asked no one in particular.

"Get her to bed Jake, and thanks." Mum told him. "After that you guys can eat here."

"Thanks auntie." Quil said. I smacked his head with mum's spatula. "Aw!"

"Good." I told him.

Some dinner was set, Quil mouthed all the food. I stared in horror and disgust.

"Wedofgocineba." Quil said incorrectly as he munched on some chicken.

"What?" Me and Jacob asked together.

Quil swallowed and said, "We should go cinema."

Jacob shrugged and said, "Sure, sure."

"Fine, fine." I mimicked Jacob's words, grinning at him. He threw a chicken at me, then I threw a potato at him. Then the food fight started, but mum ended it after telling us off and made us clean the whole thing.

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><p><strong>Love it? Hate? Wanna review it?<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thanks for the Reviews!**

****Declaimer: iown nothing.****

**Song: Please Don't Leave Me – Pink**

_**Please don't leave me**_

_**Please don't leave me**_

_**I always say how I don't need you**_

_**But it's always gonna come right back to this**_

_**Please, don't leave me**_

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><p>Chapter 2<p>

Losing Jacob Black and Quil Altera

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><p><em>Again, I've lost my best friends. But the only question I have in my head is: Why Me?<em>

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><p>"It's okay Bella, just calm down now." Angela Weber whispered to me, rubbing her hands to my arm, comforting me.<p>

I hiccupped, shaking my head furiously. It's not okay, it'll never be okay. Not when - Oh God please help. I sobbed as I closed my eyes, the memory flowing through my mind.

~~~Only In The Past~~~

"_You ready Bells?" Jacob shouted, banging on my door. He was impatient, as always. He and Quil were waiting downstairs for me to get ready._

"_Yup yup." I shouted at him. "Just another minute though." I quickly added._

_He groaned as I told him this. "Just hurry up Bells!" He shouted._

_I quickly combed my hair again and looked at my reflection in my big mirror. I was wearing something simple, everyday clothing. A black hoodie saying, 'Smiles Confuse People' -which was actually true - blue faded jeans and some really ruined converse. My hair was let lose for once – only because I lost my hair tie. My hair would be in a messy bun if Leah leaded me a hair tie but no, she was busy sleeping and moaning about how her head was hurting, but in lease she got a hangover. Serves her right for drinking vodka or whatever alcohol the woman drinks to get whatever in her head out - if there is anything in her brain anyway. I rolled my eyes at myself once the thoughts came into my head._

"_Bells?" Jacob shouted again, this time it was really annoyed and hungry. I rolled my eyes again at him or rather the door. I scanned for my bag, finding it near my drawer but stopped when a blue bear caught my site. I remember that bear. That thought came to me. Embry gave me that … My eyes started to water but I quickly blinked them all away. I grabbed my bag, running downstairs for the 'waiting ones' in my living room._

"_Oh sorry!" I yelped as I collided with a warm yet hard body. An arm went around my waist to hold me steady from falling. My hands grabbed the warm body's biceps, feeling it a little bit. Don't give me that look, I am a girl by the way. _

_"Are you okay?" The person asked, its voice deep and husky so familiar. _

_"I didn't mean - Oh it's you." I stopped talking midway as I saw a necklace with a letter B on it. Instantly I knew it was Embry Call. I know its Embry Call, but only because I remembered giving him that necklace when he gave me his mum's ring when we were young. I looked away from the necklace as my eyes soon prickled with tears. I looked at his body - making a mistake. He was shirtless. And he was so much more beautiful than the last time I saw him at the beach, his body I mean. I didn't have to look at his face 'cause I was afraid to see his deep brown eyes - they always held me captive. "What -?" _

_"Come on Bells, we're only going to the cinema, not an Italian restaurant." Jacob shouted, coming into the hall way. He froze as he saw Embry. "What the hell are you doing here?" He asked Embry menacingly. I bit back a gasp. Jacob never talked to people like that. His voice was always calm and collected._

_"None of your business Black." Paul Lahote's voice snarl popped out as he came near us. He was glaring at Jacob with pure annoyance. I didn't know why but I knew Jacob did something to annoy Paul, or maybe Paul annoyed Jacob, neither way, he's annoyed._

_"It is my business -"_

_I interrupted him, saying, "Jake, just leave it. Let's go." _

_He nodded but suddenly looked down. Jake's whole body started shaking._

_"Let go of her Call!" Jake growled out as he saw that Embry was still holding my waist._

_ "Calm down first!" Embry snapped back. His grip on my waist tightened until it was hurting._

_"Aw!" I yelled out._

_Emery quickly removed his arm from my waist as Jacob grabbed my other arm and dragged me to him. _

_"Jacob Black!" I screamed at him. "You know how I hate being grabbed." _And that your arm is burning_. I wanted to say. _But I didn't, I really didn't want to anger Jacob anymore.

_"Sure, sure. Let's go." He weirdly croaked out. "We're leaving!" He yelled out to my mum and dad. I didn't see what mum said but dad was giving Embry a knowing and suspicious look._

_ "Jake?" I whispered as he dragged me out. "Jake stop right now!" I pulled him to a stop._

_ "What?" He screamed. I was shocked again. Jake's never like this. He doesn't shout at me or anything like that. I knew something was wrong with him, and I didn't like it. At all. "I'm sorry." He said as he saw the look on my face. "Is your hand okay?" He asked._

_ "I'm fine, but Jake you're-"_

"_Just leave it Bells. We need to go, we'll miss the film." He walked to his rabbit._

_ "What about Quil?" I asked him as I ran to him._

"_He went home, said he was feeling sick." Jake mumbled._

_ "And?" I asked, knowing there's more. "What else Jake?"_

"_Sam took him home."_

_ As he said that, a loud howl ran through the forest. The howl was filled with pain and hurt. I wanted to get out the car to where the howling sound was, but Jake drove away too quickly. But not quickly enough for me to see Embry staring at the rabbit - and it that a longing face?_

_~~~Only In The Past~~~_

_ "Good movie, eh?" I asked Jake as he drove me home. If only we actually _watched _the movie, instead of watching the dang commercials. _

_ Jake didn't notice my glare, his eyes on the road, glaring as well. He only nodded, agreeing to something he didn't even hear. _

_ I rolled my eyes at him, starting to play with my fingers. Like in the movies. _

_I didn't even get to watch that stupid movie, all because of Mike Newton. He just had to piss Jake off. Only a matter of seconds when I sat down on my seat, Newton started asking me out. Jake started shaking and when I told him to calm down he stared shaking harder. I didn't understand what was happening to my best friend, I was just trying to ignore Newton and his lame attempt for me to go out with him. The commercials were still on when Newton suggested for us to use this time for something worth the money, Jacob went ballistic and punched Newton in th4 jaw, then dragged my ass away from the movies into his rabbit. He didn't even talk to me or examined to me but he did start driving back though. I kept on asking him to what's wrong with him, but he just ignored me and concentrated on driving._

_ I crossed my arms and sat in my seat, waiting for the La Push sign to come into view. When it did, I was so relieved. _

_ "Thanks again Jake." For arguing with Newton and dragging my ass in front of everything in the movies – humiliating right? Thanks again Jake, your my best friend, thanks for that. I sourly thought. _

_ Again, he just nodded and I climbed out of his rabbit. I walked to my house and knocked for someone to open up. When I looked back, Jake wasn't there anymore. _

_ "He didn't wait for me to go." I whispered as my dad opened the door. _

"_Bella?" He asked._

_ I shook my head at him as I ran to my room. I flopped on my bed and cried my eyes out. My mom tried talking to me but I just ignored her. Dad told her to give me time and they had a little argument. I all but threw a pillow at the door to stop them from fighting right in front of my bedroom door._

_~~~Only In The Past~~~_

_ "Bella?" Leah's voice rang through my room._

"_Mhpm." I said into my pillow._

_ "Wake up now Bella." She told me._

_I repeated what I said before._

_ "Look, I know how you feel – actually I don't but oh well. Anyway, you hurt, I know that but –"_

_ "Just go away Leah." I interrupted her._

"_But I've got cookies, so eat up." She merrily told me. She smiled a fake plastic smile at me._

_ "What?" I asked, in disbelief. Leah, making cookies? What has the world come to?_

_ "Cookies, I made it for you, and only you. Now eat it all up." She offered a plate of cookies to me. I hesitantly took one, overlooking at it, then bit into it. _

_ "It's nice." I said, swallowing._

"_I know, I mean made it." She told me. "Now the bad news." _

_ Realization came to me. I started up at my sister and glared at her. Of course she would do this. Give me a cookie and all, actually all nice, then bang on the bad news._

_ "What bad news?" I asked her._

"_Well, Uley –" She practically spat his name out, "–and his little minions are cliff diving. Laughing and playing around like best friends." _

_ "And?"_

"_Embry –" I winced at his name, "–Jacob and Quil are with him." In an instant, the plate full of cookies was on the floor._

_ I stared at Leah, while she just nodded at me. She smiled another fake smile and walked away from me._

_ Jacob and Quil. Cliff diving with Sam Uley?_

_I slowly got up and put my shoes on. I went down stairs._

_ "Bella, you're up, are you –"_

_I slammed the door, stopping whatever my mum was going to say. I hopped into my Honda and drove to the cliffs._

_ There they were. My supposed to be best friends, cliff diving with the enemy. Tears ran down my face as I stared at them. From a distance, I saw Jacob laughing at what Sam was saying, and Embry being pushed by Quil into the sea. I heard his screams as he went down, as well as my screams, right in my heart. Only difference is, is that Embry's scream was full of playfulness, while mine was full of hurt. _

_ I slowly went into my car, keeping my eyes at them. One seat, I turned the car on and drove away from my once best friends. _

_~~~Only In The Past~~~_

"Everything will be fine now Bella, okay? So calm down now." Angela whispered to me.

I constantly shook my head at her, staying quiet.

"I'm here for Bella." She told me.

"Why?" I didn't know what I asked, if I was asking why she was here for me or why _they _left me.

"Look, you might not understand me now, but you will soon." She checked her clock from her room. "I only have six hours until I've got to go to my aunt's in Phoenix." She said to herself. Then, as if a light bulb popped out, an idea came to her head. She looked starlight at me and said, "You Isabella Clearwater, is coming with to Phoenix."


	3. Chapter 3

**Declaimer: iown nothing**

**Song: The Call - Regina Spektor**

_**I'll come back**_

_**When you call me**_

_**No need to say goodbye**_

_**Just because everything's changing**_

_**Doesn't mean it's never**_

_**Been this way before**_

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><p>Chapter 3<p>

Leaving La Push

***(Line)***

_I honestly don't know where I or Angela got that crazy idea, but it's worth a shot, a very long shot._

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><p>"Just a few more hours until we land, then my cousin will pick us up from the airport and we'll – hey you okay?" Angela asked me, her expression worried.<p>

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that –" I stopped midway, holding back my sob.

Angela gave me a sad look, "I know Bella, but you're doing this for the better, you hear?"

I nodded. "I know, but my mum and dad –"

"Will understand." She softly told me. "You said so yourself. You need a break from everyone else. Especially from _them._" I winced at what she said. She was talking about _them. _I really don't want to talk about _them _anymore. Going to Phoenix for the summer holidays was to forget about _them. _Not to talk or even remember _them. _

"I know, I know. I get it. I'll keep quite now." I mutter at her.

She nodded, getting back to her reading. While I used stared at the window, remembering what happened not even two hours ago.

~~~Only In The Past~~~

_"What? What do you mean?" I all but yelled at Angela. She winced, which made me feel guilty. "Sorry, but what?" I said, softer._

_ She gently took my hands, rubbing them. "I know how it hurts Bella, I've been through that. Maybe not in your way, but I've still been hurt." She informed me._

_ "But I don't get why moving away will make it any better." I told her. I didn't like the idea of leave home, even for the summer holidays._

_ "It will, trust me. That's why I'm left before." Before? I didn't understand her. What did she mean before?_

_ Angela sighed, taking a deep breathe. Then I knew that there was a story, a sad story to Angela's life. "A year ago, my boyfriend of two years left me for some ho. I found him in bed with her, when I shouted at him, I expected him to stop and ask for my forgiveness, but no, he just said to go away and told his ho to keep going on. From the day, everything changed in my life. The life I had was gone, replaced with a new life I made and caused for myself. I couldn't sleep, eat, move or even talk in that life. My parents and friends tried to get me back together, to put my pieces back, to get the real Angela Webber back, but they couldn't, but they gave up on me, knowing that nothing will make me snap from my so called zombie state. _

_ The only time I snapped is when I got into a car crash. I was drunk and lonely, but most of all, I was stupid. Really, really stupid. I didn't think about what I did, who will get hurt and what will happen. At the hospital, after my near death experience made me think that I wasted every last bit of my life crying and whining for Ben. It made me think that, yeah, life is short, so, so, so short to be wasted upon. Looking at you now, it –" She stopped talking and looked at me, examining me. "I don't want you waste your life on _them_, or on _him_. You're smart, beautiful and I know for sure you'll have a bright future. I don't want you to get hurt even more. I don't want you to turn into a zombie like me. And I really don't want you to have a near death experience to make you finally snap." She gave me look which made me laugh. "Seeing you on the middle of the road, crying your eyes out, it reminded me of how I used to be. How I was, but now look at me. I'm better and improved. I felt hell before, but now, I'm fine, not perfect, but fine. I want you to feel that way. I want to help you."_

_ "Geez, you make me sound like I have some problem with myself." I said, trying to lighten up the moment, but thinking over at what Angela said. I squeezed her hand, wanting her to know that I understand her, what she went through, and how sorry I was for her. "I'm sorry you had to go through that all by yourself. It means so much to me for you to be here. But I can't run away from this problem."_

_ "It's not _running away from a problem_ Bella, it's _trying to find yourself_. Two different things." She told me._

_ "How?" I asked her._

"Running away_ is going to another place or country to escape the situation. To run away from something you're scared of, something you want to disappear from. _Finding yourself _is when you move to another place or country to think about the situation and try dealing with the fact that you're hurt, that you're in pain. It's thinking of a way to get you pulled up and ready for whatever may come. It's dealing with the pain, the loss, and everything on top."_

_ What Angela said was true. I need to find myself, learn who and how I was. But going to another country isn't on my list. And being away from mum and dad isn't either. Away from Seth and Leah as well. How much mum and dad try to understand me, they'll _never_ understand how I feel. I may be happy and cheery in the outside, but inside, I must feel like hell. Seth will try to understand me, but he's young, he'll never understand. Knowing Leah, she'll probably hand me a bottle of vodka and say, drink up. How tempting that all sounds, I know what vodka will do and it's not a pretty sight. But either way, they'll never understand. Mum may look at her golden girl in the mornings' for breakfast. Dad may look at his baby girl and ask about some fishing trips. Seth may look at his sister, his idol. Leah may look at her bratty sister. But whenever they look at me, I'll always be Bella. Their Bella. But some part of me will always be gone. Will always be missing. Will always be broken. Will always needing. And that's my best friends. How many times I try to think of the good, I'll always end up thinking of Embry, Jake and Quil, and they'll always be in my head. I may be whole but I will never be full. _

_ Right now, Angela's offer is tempting, more than vodka of course. But still, Phoenix? All the way there? With the sun, the city and the people. _

_ "Look Bella." Angela said, interrupting my decision time. I looked up to her, noticing that her eyes were on me, frowning. "I understand the battle that's going through your head right now - heck that happened to me. But I have less than five hours to finishing packing up. Another hour and half 'til I can get a taxi and drive all the way the airport. I'm not pressuring you, but if you want to leave, my option is still open. So don't hesitate."_

_ I gave Angela a big hug. "Thanks." I whispered to her. "For everything."_

_I felt her nod on my shoulder. "Everything will be fine." I released her from the hug. "If you want to leave, call me. If not, still call me."_

_ I laughed while nodding. "Thanks again." I told her as I closed her door._

_~~~Only In The Past~~~_

_ Driving home was the worst thing to do, at my state of course. I remember all the memories me and Embry, Jake and Quil had in my car. All the talks, jokes and pranks we did._

_ It hurt. _

_Every _thought_, every _object_, every _memory_, every_thing _reminded me of _them_. _Everything.

_And damn did it hurt. So, so much. _

_ What Angela suggested was tempting me … but, u I don't think I can handle what may come. But again, Angela's right, I need to find myself. I've always needed my best friends with me. I was never independent. I was always weak, always used to having _them _keeping me safe and sound. I was used to everything that contained them. They made me happy, they made me feel special, they made me feel loved, they made me, me. _

_ But now that they'll gone, it makes me feel scared, that I'll snap any minute now. Like how Angela snapped. How she went through what she went through. How she wasn't herself. How she had gotten close to dying._

_ Suddenly, images passed through my mind._

_Every one of them showed me in Angela's position, in her shoes. _I_ was in the zombie state. I was broken, hurt, tortured, damaged, ruined, destroyed, and pulled apart. I was nothing. I was not Bella, I was someone else. I was just in Bella's shoes. She was replaced by a girl who was not moving, eating, moving or talking. She was just in her room, staring at nothing but a window. Watching the people of her life go through pain that she made for them. She was watching the people who she loves helping her. She was watching them try to heal her, but the pain kept coming back. She was –_

_ "Bella!" I heard someone yell. Their voice full of fright._

"_Ah!" I screamed as I turned the steering wheel in time to miss Seth. My car swayed just in front of a tree, almost hitting it. I pushed the brakes and turned the car off. "Oh my God." I whispered to myself. I could've killed Seth. I could've killed my brother. I could've killed him. All because I was thinking of myself_. _I could've hurt my own brother for being a selfish brat. I could've-_

_ "Bella, are you okay?" Seth nearly yelled, coming to my door. I nodded, still not able to speak. "You should be more careful Bella." He told me. "Here, open the door. You need to go hospital." He opened my door._

_ I froze, then violently shook my head. "I don't think –" Then a sob broke out of me. I didn't think. I never think. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry Seth. I could've – I – sorry." Tears were running down my face that I couldn't control. _Sorry, sorry, sorry. _I kept saying in my head._

_ "Bells." Seth took me in his arms and cradled me to his chest. "Bella, sis, calm down now."_

_ "I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking – I was –"_

"_I know sis, its fine –"_

_ "It's not!" I suddenly yelled at him. "It's not fine Seth!" The look on Seth's face made me stop from yelling some other things at him. I was making my brother sad. I was a bad sister. I was hurting my own brother. I was a bad person._

_ "Bell –"_

"_Just go away Seth! Just leave me alone! I just –" I stopped talking, sobbing again._

_ "I'm not leaving you alone like this!" He protested._

"_Yes you are! I need to be alone Seth!" I argued back._

_ "To hell with that! I'm not leaving you!" Seth swore. Seth never swears. I looked at my brother's face, knowing there's no fighting it. He's not leaving me. _

_ "Please Seth." I begged him. _

"_I'm not leaving you!" He said, his tone saying that this conversation was finished. _

_ I took a deep breathe. Seth smiled, knowing he won. He thought wrong. "Fine." I whispered, softly._

_ "Good, now let's get you to bed." He told me as he carried me to the house._

_~~~Only In The Past~~~_

_ "Thanks a lot Seth." I told my brother as he laid me down._

"_No prob. Just promise me you'll sleep." He asked me._

_ I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Promise." I lied._

"_Good, now sleep." He kissed my forehead. "I've got to go to Billy's to get mum and dad. I'll be back." He told me. He kissed my cheek and went out of my room, and probably out of my life with the decision I'm making. _

_ "Goodbye Seth." I whispered at nothing. I quickly through the covers and got my bag out of my suitcase. I went to my closet and grabbed some clothes and shoes. I shoved them in my suitcase and shoved some other things I needed. I looked at my clock and cursed. Another hour and half left until Angela leaves. I dragged my note book and pen, then started writing to mum and dad. Three other letters to Jake, Quil and Embry. _

_ Once I finished them, I zipped up my suitcase and trotted downstairs. I looked around my house, memorising everything. I closed my eyes and let all the memories flood my mind, the good and the bad. I opened my eyes again and see blurriness. I then realized that I was crying. _

_ I went into the kitchen and dropped the letters on the table. My eye caught a family picture of me, Seth, Leah, mum and dad. We were at first beach and we were having a mini picnic. Embry, Quil, Jake were in the background, grinning and smiling like idiots. Leah was hugging Seth, while Seth was hugging me. Mum and dad were hugging each other, staring at us, all happy. But it all changed. _

_ I blinked and shook my head. _You're doing this for them Bella. You're leaving so they can't see how pathetic you are, how hurt you are. You're leaving because you want to find yourself. You want change into a better person. You're doing this for them. You're leaving so you can be more independent. You're leaving for them. _I said into my head. _I'm leaving for them.

"Time to go Bella. Time to go." _I whispered to myself as I walked out of the door of my house, out of my old house, out of my old life._


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hey guys, sorry I didn't update for days, weeks, months and all, school has been a nightmare later month. They're making us revise for upcoming test for year nine, readying us for GCSE's. Those so called test are on the 18****th**** of June until the 21****st**** of June, and on that week Friday, I've got sports day, and I'm running 200 metres meaning training for my form Malone (crappiest team ever) to win :( lucky me. But anyway, just shower me with reviews and I'll be fine and dandy. Chapter 5 is going to be updated tomorrow :D Sorry again :)**

**Declaimer: iown nothing**

**Song: Here Comes Goodbye – Rascal Flatts**

_**Here comes goodbye**_

_**Here comes the last time**_

_**Here comes the start of every sleepless night**_

_**The first of every tear I'm gonna cry**_

_**Here comes the pain**_

_**Here comes me wishing things had never changed**_

_**And she was right here in my arms tonight**_

_**But here comes goodbye**_

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><p>Chapter 4<p>

Here Comes Goodbye

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><p><em>"It's your fault why Bella left! It's your entire fault!"<em>

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><p>When Harry Clearwater called Sam saying that Seth informed him about Bella running away, all hell broke loose. The pack quickly went to the Clearwaters' and saw Leah arguing with Seth, asking him what happened and where the hell Bella was. Poor innocent Seth looks so beat up – his eyes were red from all the crying, and Leah doesn't even know what she's doing to her brother. Sue and Harry were staring at their children in an expression I didn't understand, and I honestly didn't want to know. Sue, my second mother, looked so dead. She was sill crying, holding onto Harry, while Harry looked back and forth to his son and daughter. We stood by the door, me, Jake, Quil, Paul, Jared and Sam.<p>

"Harry?" Sam called out.

All talking was silenced, and all heads turned, Leah's was the fastest.

Within a second, her shouting was back. "You!" She pointed at Sam. "You did this! You made her leave!"

What? This isn't Sam's fault. I stared at Leah, her eyes rimmed red, obviously from crying. Or was she drunk again?

"Leah Gabrielle Clearwater! You will not point fingers! Especially at Sam! He is trying-"

"It's not him I'm pointing at!" She shouted at her mother. "Right now, I don't give a damn about him! But it's not like he caused her pain, he's just there to ruin lives! The person – or rather people whose fault it is are them!" She turned her glare onto me, Quil and Jake. Then I knew that this was my fault, our fault. "It's their fault! They did this to Bella, you made her leave! Why couldn't you just leave her alone! You just had to show how happy you are without her, huh? How selfish can you get?"

"Leah, that's enough!" Seth whispered, eyes glistering.

"No! That's not enough!" She yelled back. "I mean, I get to be a bitch to her because she's my sister, because I know she loves me in some way, that she'll forgive everything time I do something bad because she knows how and what I feel. But you, you don't get the right to hurt her! You're her best friends! The people she loves! She will do anything for you, she would die for you! But either way, she did, didn't she? She just died when seeing you three happy sappy with Uley and his stupid cult!" At the end of her rant, Leah was shaking, like she was about to phase.

"Leah, please." Seth begged her, taking a step forward.

"Seth!" Harry warned.

Seth ignored his dad, and walked closer to Leah.

Paul and Jared took a step forward but Sam held his hand out, stopping them from moving.

Seth was now by Leah, holding her arm, comforting her. Then Leah collapsed on Seth, sobbing into his shoulder. Seth – at the age of fifteen was the same height as his sister, and Leah was only nineteen.

Seth whispered comforting words to Leah, holding her steady, cradling her so gently.

"It's okay Lee. She'll be home soon. I know it, she wouldn't leave like that, I know her." Seth whispered, though we can hear.

"I feel so bad Seth." Leah sobbed.

Seth rubbed her shoulder, a tear falling out of his eye onto his cheek.

"Bring her to her room, Seth; I'll be there in a moment." Sue said. Seth only nodded and brought his sister to her room.

Harry looked at us – me, Quil and Jacob.

"She made letters, it's in the kitchen." He told us.

I nodded and all but ran into the kitchen. Harry was right, there right on the kitchen counter was a letter with my name on it. I picked it up and opened it.

_Hey Embry,_

_Wow, this sounds weird right? Like I don't know you anymore, and you don't know me. Maybe I don't know you anymore, maybe you're not my Embry anymore. Maybe I'm not your Bella anymore, like I'm not Jake's Bells or Quil's Hells Bells. Like there're not my Jake and Quil anymore. Wow, again, a lot of anymore in this letter. But still, I'm not yours anymore. _

_I know, this letter is confusing as hell, heck I am too, but all I've got to say to you is that I love you. No, not _loved_ you, _love_ you. Like really love with my whole heart. Like I'd die for you, you know jumping in front of a plane for you, I would go through all this pain for you – See, you even made me write the lyrics of Bruno Mars song, I never do that! Buy still, how sappy everything is, I would do anything for you. Absolutely anything for you! _

_I love you Embry. Maybe that's why I'm leaving. I can't handle the pain, the hurt that you, Jake and Quil brought me. I can't handle anything anymore. I seriously don't want to be a zombie and go crazy. I want to be back to normal, and I guess me leaving for the summer is good for me, to be back to myself. I'll miss you Embry. I love you Embry. I'll see you soon, but I don't know if I'll be the same. Heck, you changed and I'm semi alright with that, maybe me changing and leaving will do good for the both of us. I hope you have a summer without me Embry, but I know I will._

_ I'll always remember you, you know I will. I'll remember all the memories we had, us goofing around at the beach, at my house, or at school. I still remember what happened last week; I guess that was my only happy memory of you before you went to join Uley. You still remember that memory? When you said to some girl in school at lunch that you're not interested in her, that you don't go for blondes, only for brunettes, and you looked straight at me, smiling your goofy smile and secretly winked at me. Dang, you made me so happy that day, you made me feel like I was on cloud nine. It was like you said that you wanted me, no one else. Do you feel that way now, or is your answer a no? Did you even feel that way for me; like I feel that way for you, or do you even feel any way for me besides friendship? If not, it's cool; I mean I lost you anyway, what's the whole point in dreaming that you could feel anything else?_

_Anyway, I guess this was a goodbye letter, that you'll see me soon, but I won't be Bella Clearwater anymore, not your Bella Clearwater anyway. I'll be someone else, someone better. But right now I feel like a coward for not telling you this in person, but if I did, I would be crying and begging for you to love me again, begging for you to be my best friend again, to be my Embry again. Again, I am such a coward. But if I'm a coward, what are you then? Do you even know how much you hurt me Embry? How much pain I'm in? Do you understand how much I'm going through? No, probably not. I'll see you soon Embry, I just hope I won't fall for you again, because if I do, I know I'll end up getting hurt again._

_Bella._

_P.S. I wish you knew how much I loved you before you went off to Sam Uley. Maybe that would have changed everything. _

I gripped the kitchen counter, angry at myself. She loved me? She loved me! Dammit she loved me. I ran out the house into the forest and phased. With that, I howled the pain that I have. She loved me. And I loved her. And I let her go. I let her _go _when I _love _her!


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Hope you like this chapter! Enjoy! Sorry for the delay! Thanks for those who reviewed and keep 'em coming!**

**Declaimer: iown nothing but Luke, Taylor, Christian and Austin, also Kate.**

**Song: Remember when - Avril Lavigne**

**Remember when I cried to you a thousand times**

**I told you everything**

**You know my feelings**

**It never crossed my mind**

**That there would be a time**

**For us to say goodbye**

**What a big surprise**

**But I'm not lost**

**I'm not gone**

**I haven't forgot**

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><p>Chapter 5<p>

Arriving to Phoenix

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><p><em>I miss them. I miss him. Hell, I want them here. I want him here. I need them here. I need him here. I wish he was here. And I wish the pain went away.<em>

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><p>"Angela!" A boy – no man waved his hands in the air like a crazy manic, but he was anything but that. He was probably six foot one or two and probably a few years older than me, but under twenty though. His hair was blonde and messy - like he just woke up - kind of messy. His eyes were blue-grey, that held a mischief in them. He had a tanned rounded baby face with a dimple on his left cheek. He has wearing a blue polo shirt and blue ripped faded shorts, with blue vans. Well, I guess he likes the colour blue. His figure screamed surfer. He was cute in a way, maybe even hot but comparing him to Embry, there was a huge difference. <em>No! You will stop thinking of Embry!<em> I chanted in my head.

"Luke!" Angela yelled and ran to the man – Luke. She jumped on him as he swung her around. People looked at them and smiled, like they were a couple. Well, maybe they are, but Angela never told me she had a boyfriend.

I slowly walked over to them.

"I missed you!" Angela all but shouted. I smiled at her happiness; she deserved it from her past anyway.

"You to hon." Luke said, giving her a boy smile. "Who's this?" He asked, staring at me.

Angela jumped off him. "This," She pointed at me, "Is Isabella, but she likes to be called Bella. She's my friend from La Push, the Quileute reservation near Forks. She's in need."

I raised my brow at her.

"Ah, so you've been dumped as well." Luke stated, like he was dumped a few days ago, or maybe my problem was the same as Angela's, who knows?

"Something like that." I answered, looking down at the floor.

"And I'm here to help. And you to Luke." Angela said. "Oh, Bella this is Luke, my cousin. Luke, this is Bella, as I said."

"Cousin?" I asked. They acted more like a love sick couple.

"Yeah, but he's more like a big brother." Angela informed me. Oh, so they're related, but they're so close. But I was close with Embry, Quil and Jake and we weren't related.

"Hi." He said, hand out. I said hi back and took his hand. He smiled and took my hand to his lips. He kissed the back of hand and I blushed. "Pleasure to meet you, beautiful."

"Beautiful?" I questioned, still beat red.

"Isabella is beautiful in Italian."

My mouth slightly widened. He thought I was beautiful? Or maybe it was just my name? "Well, you learn something new every day, don't you?"

Angela giggled and took my hand from Luke's. "Come on, let's go home."

~~~Only In The Past~~~

"Wow, you live here?" I asked Angela as we entered her house. The house was three story, two gardens, front and back, a balcony and a garage. It was like my dream house.

"Yeah, my step dad is a lawyer and my mum is a designer." She told me. "They have a lot of money, as you can see."

"Wow." I repeated as she and Luke lead me into the kitchen. It was so clean,, like crystal clean, so well designed and so homey.

Angela laughed, "You want juice?"

"Sure."

"What about you Luke?"

"Same." She nodded.

She handled me my drink. "So, what do you wanna do first?" She asked.

"Um –"

I got interrupted when a woman who looked the same as Angela but older stepped into the room and attacked Angela with kisses and hugs. I noticed that it was her mom, instead of it being her sister. Angela told me on the plane that her mom and dad got married young and divorced after a year or two.

"Mum!" Angela exclaimed, "You're embarrassing me." She jerked her head to me.

"Hello Angela's mum." What else should I say? Angela's last name is Webber, but that's her dad's real name, and her mum's remarried.

Angela and her mum laughed, both sounding the same. Scary.

"Kate Clark, but please call me Kate." She said, handing me her hand.

"Bella." I shook her hand.

"I didn't know you had friends coming over Angela." Angela's mum – I mean Kate said, but in an angry way, like a confused way. "I wish you would have told me earlier. I would have the guest room ready and prepared for Bella to sleep in."

"No that you already have it ready." Luke mumbled.

Kate smacked Luke's head jokingly, while he rubbed his head.

"Sorry mum, but it looked to me like Bella could use some girl time." Angela said.

"Well, it's nice you bringing home your friend. Now get changed, we're going to the beach. I think you're in need of a tan."

"I do not mum!" Angela yelped.

"Yes you do cousin." Luke retorted.

And that's when the argument between Angela and Luke started. It felt really nice to be here. For once, I felt happy here.

~~~Only In The Past~~~

"I think you should wear this Bella." Angela said. I looked up from the magazine I was reading and saw Angela holding up a royal blue two piece bikini.

"Why is it blue?" I asked.

"Because Luke likes blue." She jokingly said.

I threw the closest thing I could reach at her - which was a pillow. She dodged, laughing at me as well.

"Joke. Okay, not a joke, but still."

"I am not going to wear that." I said to her.

"Fine, than you can just wear this." She held up a black bikini which looked much worse than the other one.

She saw my eyes widened and smirked at me.

"I think I'll wear the blue one."

"Good choice." She said and tossed me the bikini, a tank top and shorts. Again, they were blue. I glared at her and changed in the bathroom.

The shorts were ripped and faded; also they were over my knees. The tank, well, it was a tank. This isn't what I'd usually wear. Not shorts, but jeans, and hoodies over tanks. But I'm in Phoenix. It's blazing hot outside. This isn't La Push.

"Yo, Bella?" Angela's voice ran out. "Did the toilet flush you down or something?"

"Ha ha, so funny." I said as I opened the bathroom door.

"I know right. She's such a comedian." Luke commented. "Wow." He said as he saw me. It was obvious that he was checking me out, by the way his eyes travelled down my body and back up to my face. I blushed again and looked away to the floor.

"Doesn't she look nice?" Angela asked, grinning like a fool.

"Yep." He said, still looking at me. I lifted my gaze to him and he gave me a small smile, his dimple showing. I averted my eyes back to the floor.

"Well, I'm gonna go get some sun cream." I randomly said, but only get away from Luke and his eyes.

"Yeah, sun cream." Angela repeated, almost mocking me. I glared at her and went into her room, getting the damn sun cream.

~~~Only In The Past~~~

"I miss La Push beach." I muttered to Angela, who was sunbathing. She had her Ray bans on, and was lying down on a towel. I playing with the sand, letting it pass through my open fingers, while I looked at the open sea.

"You live on a beach?" Kate asked me, lifting her head from her magazine to look at me.

Images and memories passed through my brain and eyes. One with dad, mum, Seth and Leah laughing and playing around, others with Embry, Quil and Jake, messing around like fools, those were the happy ones, but I remembered the one where I was trying to make the stones skidded on the sea, but it didn't work. I remembered the tears following, the pain when Embry left with Sam's cult. I remembered the cliffs, where Sam, Paul, Jared, Embry, Quil and Jake were jumping from, like they've been best friends since birth. No, the best friends since birth were me, Embry, Jake and Quil. Sam, Paul and Jared just ruined what we had, what we will never have again.

"Yeah." I whispered, wanting to block out the memories, but those memories were the only thing that kept me going, that kept me moving, that kept me thinking that all of it actually happened, that they left me, that they'll never come back, that I was left alone with the pain. The pain was my only reminder of them being re, of them leaving, of them being my best friends and who were once my everything.

"Whoop!" I heard someone holler. I turned my head to see Luke surfing the waves, another blond boy was racing him.

"Go Luke!" Angela yelled, calling on her cousin.

When Luke got off his board, he fisted bumped his blond friend, with two others joining him. They patted Luke's back. I saw him grin at them; they proceeded to walk to Angela, Kate and Me.

"Hey miss Clark." One of them said a brunette. He was five foot nine, with shoulder length brown hair and brown eyes. He had a slight British accent which made him sound cuter.

"Miss Clark, what's up" A black haired boy with blue eyes said. He was probably six foot two. He has two tattoos on each of his arm, writings I didn't understand.

"Miss C! Good surfin' right?" The blond who was surfing with Luke said. He had green eyes, and a boyish smile, like those one where you've been caught with your hand down the cookie jar.

"I honestly wish you boys would talk normal." Kate said, laughing. I smiled at her happy self. Her phone rang and she got up, excusing herself and walked away.

"So, dudes, you remember Angela, my cousin? She came here last summer?" Luke asked.

"Yes, I remember. Hello Angela." Brunette boy said.

"Hey Tyler." Angela said back. Ohh, his name is Taylor.

"Hey Angela." Black haired boy said.

"Hey Christian."

"Hi Angie."

"Don't call me that, and hi Austin." Angela said, slightly glaring at Austin.

"So, this is -"

The blond boy - Austin interrupted Luke by saying, "She's defiantly not your cousin dude, she too tanned and hot to be." He winked at me, while I blushed. He barked out a laugh at how easily I could blush and smiled his boyish smile at me.

Luke laughed, "Yeah, your right." He smiled at me, I smile back. "She's Angela's friend, Bella."

"Hello Bella. As Angela already said, I'm Austin." He held his hand out and I took. He kissed it and winked at me again.

"I see you're a flirt." I said to him.

"The biggest baby." He wiggled his brows at me and I knew there was another meaning to his words."

"I'm Tyler, and you look really beautiful Bella." Taylor said, making me blush again. What is it with boys making me blush?

"Thanks." I mumbled. He smiled at me and started to kick the sand. Ah, he's the shy one when it comes to girls and in their group.

"I'm Christian." He said, nodded towards me.

I nodded back and smiled at him. Well, he's a toughie.

Then I noticed how they resembled the closeted boys in my life. Embry. Quil. Jake. And Seth.

Luke was like Embry with the way he acts towards me, like his attitude is more than friendly.

Taylor was like Seth, shy as always with the ladies.

Christian was like Jake, tough to talk to and hard to be with, but has a heart big enough for two.

Austin was like Quil with the silly flirting. They were the same, a ladies' man.

When I thought about that, my heart swelled. Deep inside me, it actually hurt so much to leave them behind, but I needed to, does that make to selfish?

I tried to swallow the guilt and regret back down my throat, and blinked away the tears. I shook my head and stood up.

"Bella?" Angela asked.

"I'll be back." I croaked out.

I ran and ran to anywhere. I want to hide; I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. But the thing I want most, was to be back in La Push. I collapsed onto the sand, not caring anymore. I sobbed out everything I had, but the pain never went away. I hugged my legs so close to my chest, wanting to get away. I wanted to be back in La Push. I wanted to be back with my family. I wanted to be in my mother and father's arms, to tell them how it hurt so much, I wanted them to hold me and tell me that they love me and that they'll never let anyone hurt me again. I wanted to be back with Seth, wanted him to tell me everything was going to be fine, that I was going to be okay. I wanted to be with Leah and her bitchiness. I wanted her to tell me off and hug me, saying I was crazy and she loves me like a sister should. I wanted Jake to slap me some sense, to tell how stupid I was for leaving. I wanted to be with Quil, for him to say that his body will make me feel better. But what I wanted most of all was to be in Embry's arms, to feel his warmth, to have him hold me tell him that he loves me. I want him to tell me that he loves me like a boy should love a girl and I what to feel his lips on my lips. I wanted Embry back. I want him back.

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><p><strong>They guys! Whatcha think of Luke, Taylor, Christian and Austin? Review :D<strong>


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